justforfun

hmp!

haven't learned enough...

yep. this is another heartaching story.. and u might just get bored.

i wanted to love and be loved in return. But the problem is, i always end up loving the wrong person or the situation between us does not allow us to be together.

so here i go again, im getting too emotionally attached to someone who already has a girlfriend. and though we might feel something might spark between us, we always end up thinking abt our limitations and people who might get hurt. but at the moment, i am happy to be with him and spend time together and learn things abt each other. and im hoping he do feel the same happiness.

for the simple idea that he might quit the game we were both playing, i cry and thought of the worst case scenario--that is being separated with him and loosing him. it just sucked the life out of me...

i know, i might be considered the bad one here and be called "mistres" but i cant help but be happy when im with him. and if there's the slightest chance that i could be with him completely without people getting hurt, i'll take that chance.

for now, i can just look at him from afar and hope for something i know i cant get right now or maybe forever. coz i know for a fact that he love his girlfriend and no matter what the problem they are going thru right now... at the end of the day, he would still choose her over me.

that what hurts the most... knowing that you could love someone that cant really be yours completely.

>>to lucky... im sorry that i left u when u were in doubt abt the game. but the thought of you leaving me was just too painfull to bear so i left before you.. i just cant stand people leaving me... can't anymore.

you are special to me... u'll always be..

simple facts...

sometimes... even how much you wanted to hate a person who FORGETs,

you just cant BLAME them.

...

confused....

im just so confused right now.

so confused i dont know where to start.

damn.

the sign

in the past, i refuse to believe in "signs".

but since ive started to turn a new leaf these days and i started to go to church again and learn things ive missed for so many years, almost all the things that ive prayed came true. including my prayers for signs whenever im in trouble and really do need to make a big impt decision.

of course, signs for my relationship exp are also included. and that scared the hell out of me. because i know im not good in handling relationships so im constantly seeking for His help.

and i have this petition: due to uncertainties in our relationship at the moment, i started to have doubts and countless questions... but i refuse to give up and let go of the hope that there may be a good future for our relationship. so i have prayed that unless god told me to let go of that faith and continue living having that relationship only as a  memory, i'll hold on to that faith.

there was this moment when i no longer know what to do and was so depressed due to unanswered questions abt this relationship, i have prayed for sign to let me know if i should still continue to wait for him and hold on to faith for a future for us together. the sign was anything that would specifically remind me about him only.. like name, his hobby and fave and dreams. and it should be for 7 consecutive days. and on the 7th day, he should call or text me or any form of communication. (coz we havent spoken for so long...) and it all came true! the 7 days of signs. started aug4 and ended aug 11, 2006.

because i believed that our reltionship started because of god and it will only end if its god's will. because god knows its the best for us both and for the people around us. 

and so, after months of having the same petitions, today, i believed i've heard it. based on the gospel and homily. "learn to let go of the things not meant for you and makes you sinful in the eyes of our father" (not exact phrase but that was the lesson in the sermon) oct 1, 2006

i was relieved at the same time scared and confused. relieved coz, somehow it lightened the burden that this relationship had caused me and that my prayers were answered by god. scared coz at this moment, i dont know if i have the enough courage to just walk away from him and tell him that its all over. it was all so sudden that made me confused. does the gospel pertain to my relationship OR other things in my life? is it the right time? can i do it? ...all these are questions running in my mind...

if that was the sign im praying for, then i guess i should prepare myself to let go. gather strenght and pray for His guidance. and little by little, i will make it through.

i hope and i pray, that the pain this will cause both of us will be all worth it and is the right thing to do. 

happiness that left a big question in my mind

yep. uve read it right.

today i have received a video that ive never expected. ive dreamt of it once but it never occured to me that it can become a reality.

eventhough the video is made of the same pictures of me that u can grew tired looking at my face, it doesnt matter. its the thought and effort that counts. i love the songs and how it was all put together.

thank you.

you know me quite well and im thankful for coming into my life. u sure know how to make me happy and make me feel to be someone.

i hope someday, i can do the same for you. im here whenever you need me. and i would help u whenever possible and if u let me.

oh yes, the question... does this mean something much deeper or its all about the purest of intentions? ...coz if not, i dont know how to handle such situation.

but i know for a fact that now that uve matured, ul never engage into something ur not sure of and you dont wanna do. so i think, it was all abt being thankful for another shot at our friendship and for the memories we have shared and presently sharing and will be sharing.. hehe 

 it sure made me smile and i almost cried! can u believe that?!

worthless but never meaningless

sometimes, no matter how hard we try, things that are not meant to be will never become reality.

 what's important is at the end, we can say that we did our best to fight for it.

 our efforts may not be rewarded and may seem worthless but it was NEVER meaningless.

it means a lot. lot more than we ever thought it would be...

unlearned philosophy

the following phrase can be applied to our lives. and it may somehow make a great change.

from grey's anatomy (it may not be the exact words but it still means the same... i hope) ..at least the meaning works for me.

 "...sometimes, not knowing is so much better than knowing. coz not knowing the things you dont know cant hurt you..."

i always tried to keep that in mind but it seems i cant rid of my "detective blood" and i just keep on sticking my nose into other people's business.

waahhh i really should stop... but how?! im just full of unanswered questions. that are all important/significant questions.

beautiful day

september 18, 2006

im sick and alone. but im so lucky and blessed that god somehow managed to make me feel so loved by someone.

i can say that eventhough we were deprived of a chance to start/continue a "close" relationship, im overjoyed that we are firends!

we are friends and thats just much more i can ask for. im thankful for his care and concern when i was sick. he just made me feel so blessed and loved. honestly, i think it contributed to my fast recovery.

thanks to you. we are destined to be friends-- really good friends. and thats much better than "close" relationship. right?!

360 degrees-- sudden turn of events

its just so fascinating to realize how mysterious life can be.

...at first. ur day may start normally. guiet. may be sad or lonely or troublesome but at the end of the day, holla! a surprise! something that will just make the day so worth remembering. happy and unforgettable/unexplainab le feeling of euphoria.

...god really do like us to be happy. he wont let our day just end badly for us. he want us to feel that at the end of the day, we are always loved by someone, or people around us and especially HIM. we are special to him and he is special to us. so live and love!

...sept 21-22, 2006

in vain

forgetting is not a way of moving on. its just merely running away from the truth.

face the pain.

be brave and have the courage.

have faith.

those loneliness will turn into happiness through time. just be patient. dont rush it. everything has its own right time trust in HIM.

focus.

if you can look at the past without anger, loneliness or emptiness and pain. then you have moved on. dont forget the past coz it made you what you are today. instead be thankful that you have learned from that experience and made you a stronger person. be proud youve moved on by facing the truth... and not by simply forgetting...

coz skeletons in your closet will be out in the open one time or another even how hard you try to hide it. live your life without regrets! its ok to be sad for a moment...

but take a lot more time to aapreciate things/people around you... they are more beautiful than you have known and imagined

be happy

be contented

love and be loved

he will come in the right time.

the reply

this post may sound too harsh and may even hurt ur feelings... but i just wanted to be honest and to let you know my side, somehow. i may write some stupid and incorrect ideas here but what can i do, these are just whats going on in my head and what i felt...

uve already know that after you sent that letter to me, i may not write back... the truth is i wanted to but i somehow managed to temporarily stopped myself from doing that. coz at that moment, i think my emotions/hatred would overpower my rational thinking. so, to prevent any further harm and misunderstanding/troubles , i choose not to write back... but now, what the hell am i doing? ,maybe this post may still contain hatred but not that much as it used to be. i just wanted it all out once and for all...

you were right. i am a jealous sister. and knowing about your relationship with my brother made me hate you. coz first, i thought intimate/special student-prof relationship was not my kind of thing and it was just not right. maybe i have accepted things better if u did first graduated then pursue that relationship. but no, u didnt. i guess thats just what love is... irrisistable. the more you try to get out, the more you fall deeper. also, youve never tried enough to dig in my bro's past, and i didnt like the fact that youve never knew about dolly first before you got involved in the picture... didnt it ever occur to you that you can also end up like her??? left there alone, with a baby? second, i dont know if you knew but i was closest to my brother. eventhough we dont share our personal stories, i somehow understand him. ive already lost him once when he was separated to us due to family problem, and just recently reunited. and so, i was cherishing the moment that he returned into our lives and here you came. and u may not know it, but for me you slowly took him away from us again. with that said, can you blame me from hating you? ..at that moment, i felt like i was loosing a part of me and a reason to live. coz for me, my brother is my protector. he makes me brave. he became my inspiration and not to mention my mentor (yeah, he may taught me stupid and nonsense stuffs but it was all worth remembering). i may sound too possessive but both of you should have discussed that relationship to me right from the start before it got serious... in that way, i may have the time to adapt to such change. but no, both of you didnt not even bother to tell me a single thing about that. i was left there alone to rely on people's stories about the two of you. and i dont even know if i should accept it as the truth or just ignore it. i guess you know the feeling of being "the last to know". it hurts and made me feel worthless and insignificant.

after the two of you broke up, i still hated you. why? bcoz, (i dont know what happened to the both of u or how you both decided to end all these) my brother was left there miserable. he cant even work for days, weeks and months... he was just so lost and spent all day hiding his loneliness, faking his smile and just trying hard to live life day by day without you. with that, there is no doubt that you became his life and the moment you left him, he was lifeless. i know, you were both hurt and miserable at the time. coz, u did both shared a life and dreams together. and by suddenly giving it all up, it must really hurt a lot. maybe for you, that was the consequence of his lies and it was just right for him. but i just wished that your break up led to an understanding of just being good friends and really talked things out/clarify stuffs and finally deciding on something beneficial on both of you and other people around you and sticking with that decision firmly. (but who am i kidding? thats too much to ask for ryt?! coz it sounds impossible). coz i think, if it ended that way, maybe my brother would really realize his mistakes and learn from it and time will help him accept the fact the the two of you are over. but i guess, he learned his lesson the hard way, and that led him to another mistake and to another. and a lot more lies. it even came to a point were i chose not to believe him anymore. i did blame you for his misery. and the hard part about it was, i was not capable of alleviating that suffering he felt coz you were the only one he needs at that moment. for that, i am useless.

with this hatred within me, ive realized that somehow, i had admired you. coz you did have the strength to turn your back on love (maybe the only love youve wanted) and just let it go. coz i know that you knew that it started all wrong then why continue it? ...and maybe, after knowing about gilana and gayle(gilana's sister), u chose not to become selfish and hold on to my brother coz you know, his children needed him more than you do. and who ever wanted a broken family? no one. you did things for their sake (hopefully). and im thankful for that. also, uve said that you felt stupid after knowing the truth... (who wouldnt?) maybe uve tried to save watever dignity is left in you that can give you strenght to move on. i think, from the start youve chosen to just love and thats a good thing right?! based from that, ive also learned that in loving someone, you should really know the person first. use your head and follow your heart as long as it is the right thing to do. dont let emotions take control of you. if you have to sacrifice, do it. coz its for the better. honestly, after what happened to you and my brother, i become more scared of having a serious relationship. coz im afraid i myt end up feeling the pain that uve had. and i dont think i can handle that. i tend to build a wall just to protect me from that kind of pain. i know pain and sufferings are inevitable in a relationship but im just not ready for that yet...   

now, somehow all our lives managed to move on. i think, my brother still has that special feelings for you and still wish of spending the rest of his life with you. but we both know, thats no longer possible coz he should focus more now on becoming a good and responsible father. and i know, u know that. u are not the kind of person that would destroy a family. maybe, a simple letter for him from you (about forgiveness and hoping him to become a good father and have a good family) may somehow alleviate the burden inside him and help him to move on completely. it may be hard for your part to do that but, i think, he is starting to become happy and accept things but he is still not completely healed coz of the guilt. if god can forgive, why cant we? friendship is hard thing to ask but its not impossible.

maybe ur thinking that if ull open a new communication between the two of you, both of you myt end up doing the same thing all over again... but thinking about the children first and being a rational person, both of you may somehow manage to live a life separately. both of you should not dwell on the bitterness and pain.. but cherish the moment uve once shared together and learn from it. mistakes are considered mistakes if only you were not able to learn from it. you are both adults. you know whats right and wrong. set boudaries and limitations and let him know that.

  just promise me... youll do your best that if time comes and both your paths cross each other again, just be there for hima as a friend. but no more that. thats possible ryt?!coz i guess you dont want to be hurt all over again... maybe this is too much to ask for but thats the only thing i can think of that could work out positively for the both of you... coz you dont only have yourselves to think of... there are a lot more people involved here. just think about them first. you be tired of giving and making all the sacrifices for others (or thinking about others first before yourself..) but thats just how the world works... reality bites.

i hope this post had clarified some things, question ans doubts in your mind. i hope i have helped you with my honesty. truth hurts. and im sorry for that. and same thing i ask of you, please keep this just between the two of us...

god bless and i pray for a happy life ahead of you...

....blessedbe...

faith

phew! its almost a week now that ive spent my nights crying... im crying for all reasons but one common factor is that: im emotionally disturbed ryt now... and i never knew that i'll be like this... im just so thankful that it all happened at almost the right time. but i dont think i have gathered enough strength and courage to face it. 

first, i woke up this morning not thinking about him... and im happy that for once, i thought ive started to move on a life without him... i was so eager to do lots of things and enjoy the day... and suddenly, out of nowhere, on the show that i was watching, his name poped out and consequently it was the name of one of the contestants who also won... his life story was almost the same as the one he planned to have... so i cant helped it... and as much as i want to forget about him, it seems that things just happend just to remind me of him again and again... how am i suppose to move on when everything reminds me of him???

so, i came up to an understanding that: the more i try to forget someone, the more events will remind me of that someone... maybe it's nature's/God's way of telling me that i should never forget of someone who became a very important person in my life despite all heartaches and pain it brings... instead try to cherish it and keep it in my memory... things/someone should never be forgotten, they should always be remembered and treasured as memories... coz after all, you are not you today without them passing through your life... somehow, they have contributed to who you are today.... also, by not forgetting them, you are strengthening yourself... you're teaching yourself to face your fear and pain. coz after all, the best reward youll get in life are the ones youve achieved by facing the things youve feared the most.

from now on, i'll try my best and not waste my time in forgetting about him. i'll just try to accept the fact that he may become a part of my everyday life for as long as i can remember... (how pathetic am i?!)

the other thing that made me cry today was the fact that i have remembered things abt my bro and his someone... i wanted to write back to her but it seems that its still not the ryt time for me to do that... im just not ready and i still dont know what to write for her... maybe after the exams.... its just so complicated to understand things that just happend between them... i wanted to say so many things to her, yet no single word comes out from me...

then, again, i saw something... i just dont want to see things that would hurt me but i cant seem to help it... i was just so left out that i wanted to know more.... so i invaded someone else's property... again... and as punishment, i was hurt by what ive seen... and then again, so many things are running through my head and i dont know if any of those are true.... who is that person... what is that person doing to him??? ...is it another puzzle that i have to solve or another bomb that will splatter me into even finer pieces than before.... i was broken before because of those lies and pretendings... and now, im afraid i have to go aver it all again.... i dont want it to happen aagain....

for you, just be contented with what youve got ryt now and cherish it... coz youll never know when ur going to loose them again... i dont know what youre going thru ryt now, but let me be a part of it... ive known you all my life and yet i know a little of you... i hate secrets! and why did you ever have to lie? did i ever judged you?? no... and i will never do that... yeah i know i am stupid by doing that... but as much as i wanted to curse you, i wont... coz ur my bro and i'll just be here to listen.... i just dont want you to undergo the misery youve been to alll over agin... ive forced myself that youved changed and is trying to move on... so, im sticking with that! ...i'll never loose hope that you'll be able to fix youre life soon... choose if you have to... sacrifice... face the fact... and dont just live on a dream forever... be strong... have faith in him...

pity me. this would be the end of it!

it's over. or shall i say, it's FINALLY over?? ..either way, it happened and im quite ambivalent about it actually. i felt it was the right thing to do yet i feel so lonely and empty inside. maybe its because ive got so used to the fact the he is always there. ive taken him for granted knowing that he will stay but now he is gone. ...infatuation... that's all there is.. and its really confusing.

note: infatuation and love are different things! dont get me wrong. and dont get your hopes too high!

im writing this blog to release my anger! because i dont want this hatred inside me... it eats my flesh and soul and i dont want it to stay any longer. i want to experience happiness. True happiness!

here it goes...

it all started a week before my pinning ceremony. i asked him to lend me his dg cam. (to save some memorable moments) and he said yes. but the day before the event, he suddenly told me his dgcam was no longer available and he is sorry. That's it! just plain text... so here i am, asang asa na i will be able to have concrete memory of one of my most awaiting event in my nursing career and i was left there disappointed. He just didnt understand how much that ceremony mean to me.... for him, its just another ordinay day. u are WRONG! I HATE YOU FOR THAT!

another thing that made me mad about that is: for him, just texting he is sorry and acting like it was nothing at all was enough... he didnt even care to take extra step to personally tell me he is sorry and that he will make it up to me one day... HE DID NOT DO THAT! for in fact, he never did that eversince! he is a coward, numb and insensitive person! when will you ever learn to understand how a person feel??? i guess that would take a long time.. or it may never happen at all!

and so after that, ive tried to move on a life without him but there's some events in life that seems to keep us together. and once again, we have communication. but by that time, my mind was made up: IM NOT THE RIGHT PERSONG FOR HIM. AND WE ARE NOT MEANT FOR EACH OTHER. and were just meant to be just plain friends... coz we seem to think differently and i felt that i was the only one always understanding his faults and doing him favors. ive got fed up with it.

slowly, i gave up! when was the last time he made me feel special? did he ever do something extraordinary to surprise me? or just any simple thing that made me believe that he was true to his feelings and get my trust? ...well maybe sometimes (maybe once or twice) he did those but that wasnt enough! ..love is not something u can just buy and leave it there alone to nourish itself... it needs perseverance, trust, loyalty and FAITH. its a team work. i got tired doing all the work when its seems youre not at all serious. thank GOD, i trusted my instinct and prevented myself to fall for you! its all INFATUATION.

you never listened to me. you hear me talking but dont HEAR what i say. dont u believe me? well, answer this: when is my birthday??? the actual date?? ...i bet just relying with your memory, u wont know the answer eventhough ive told you that a thousand times! you NEVER listened! maybe because i was not the only one on your mind. maybe there is SOMEONE else more important than me. and i guess im right. it never took you a long time to find someone else. right?! and i hope you'll be happy together and finally learn something!

it all happened because this is what i wanted... or is it what YOU wanted? i guess i'll never know. i gave you lots of challenges. to strenghten your personality, emotion and spirit yet i think it was all too much for you and you gave up easily! you always wanted an easy life and relationship. maybe because just like what youve said before, you are tired of waiting and dont want that to happen again... REALITY BITES mister! life isnt that easy and perfect! its hard and full of trials that could make you miserable at times.

i chose not to prolong the agony and just let it all out. so if you were hurt by the things ive written here, then i guess i was right about it all. and hope you can realize your mistakes and learn from it. hope youll understand that this is my defense mechanism and you cant blame me! anger is the first step towards acceptance.

"never in my life ive been touch by a girl. u r my life the air that i breathe, i do im careless please do accept me like the past months we shared. i *y** will change everything to be a good friend to you. thx ein"

newsflash!: you were NEVER  true to your words!. you never did what you say or promised! 

i guess... thats all there is and is ever will be. all abstract and indirect. it never became personal and true. all imagery in pitch black world! its started wrong and it ended up all wrong. its over... its finally over.